i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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