I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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