My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
