I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
