i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
