i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
