he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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