dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
