She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize