Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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