i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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