just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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