i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
