I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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