What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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