Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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