It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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