Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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