dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
