Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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