Moan for me like Helen Keller
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
