im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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