toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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