i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
