ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
