you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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