in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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