turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
