Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
