I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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