well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus