So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
