Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
