I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
