I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
