New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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