a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
