She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The uberlube is also flammable
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
