It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
