Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
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I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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