I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
