I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
