we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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