Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
