Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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