I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
