I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
