just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
