omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
