i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
