we're making bets on your personal life
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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