I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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