Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
All I want is dick and wine.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
