i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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