guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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