you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
