Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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