He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
