Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
