he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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