I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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